seeing all the nice photos people post of themselves with their hubby and kids...

i realized...

what i am hoping for is really just this piece of small happiness that somehow i can't yet reach...

a sense of stability of being able to just live at the same place on earth with my hubby and baby....

why is it so hard...

why is it that some people get to have that piece of small happiness without having to try much...

why...

don't tell me oh u can get it "later"...

i hate the word "later"...

what "later"...

"later" is not something that comes with guarantees...

why not "now"...

why not at least "soon"...

 

i am extremely sad because of this continual delay...

 

this is getting too hard to cope...

i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon...

so much for "later"..... only the Big Guy up there knows whether there'll be a "later"......

 

stop using it as if u know the next chapter in life.

*exhale*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...sometimes... it appears that i may need to get a recorder, record the sweet messages i'd love to hear when feeling down, and put it into a robot that's been set to play those messages during those dark days....

and yet, a robot is a robot... cold, lifeless, and impersonal....

wishful thoughts, indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...越矛盾的人越需要認同
所以你微笑點頭的時候　我哭了...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...因為妳是女人 就讓我為你痛為你去犧牲
就讓我為你擦乾所有淚痕 不為了甚麼
妳是我的女人...

If only, that is the reality.

揪心 的 感覺

 

 

It has all come down to this. I can't believe it. I am losing it. After all those years. This. WTF.

Someone has messed with the wrong girl. Alienation is one thing. Stepping overboard is another. Enough is enough.

I am no longer the same, but an old part of me has surfaced from the past. No more nonesense. Something has to give, but I won't be the one to back down now.

This has to stop. I'm too calm to live in this crazy world. I think I will give craziness a try. It has all come down to this and it's time to act.

Making choices is what people do all the time

and yet there are also times when there are non-choices, times when it's not up to people to choose, stuff just happen...

Recently, a non-choice happened and a friend is forever gone from the living world...

Sadness lurks into the minds of every one of his friends...

Rest in peace, my friend...

 

I was quite surprised to see that so many friends "left him messages" on his FB...

At first I felt like why would people be doing that since he is no longer here...

But then it quickly dawned on me...

These messages probably served quite a few purposes:

(1) As the friend is gone, people are left with many questions and thoughts... and the magnitude of all that left people with the yearning for a place to place their questions and thoughts... and a place to share with others who cared their words of remembrance...

(2) While the friend would no longer see the messages, his family members and friends will.... it's like... his FB has become a healing place... people share, read, cry, sob, and, hopefully, let go......

(3) While some may argue that when one leaves this world, one leaves for good... others may argue that the soul or spirit may still come back into this world to visit... perhaps, if the latter is true, the friend may actually get to "see" all those messages......

All's too profound.

Choices may be daunting from time to time, but at least one gets to choose.

Non-choices, on the other hand, are what leave certain parts of our lives gray and mysterious.

What happened?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

No answers will ever come about, probably.

 

When such non-choices happen, I am reminded of the appreciation I should be giving whenever I get to choose.

Rest in peace, my friend. You will always be in your family's and friend's minds.

You are and will continue to be missed.