看見親朋每次放假就去那裏吃了那個又玩了那些

超 級 羨 慕

 

也不禁有些疑惑

大家也都有課業有工作啊

但為什麼他們都有辦法那麼愜意

雖然說我現在是大難當頭 有大考試壓身

但

我怎麼不記得我過去的讀書和工作身涯中有那麼愜意的感覺

週末趕唸唸不完的文章和書 (到頭來還是唸不完)

放假還是有一堆作業要寫 隨便參加個小活動就號稱放了假了

i mean... how has my life come to this?

 

某某某說我太認真了

唸個60分就好 幹嘛要唸到讓自己每次都得高分

但是啊 親愛的

我百口莫辯

但我真的沒有想要得高分的心態啊

同時 我也不知道要怎麼樣唸才能剛好低空飛過

換句話說 我不知道低空飛過的門檻在哪裡 看不見 摸不著

所以 我只能埋頭猛唸 而我心裡想的就只是 "拜託讓我過 讓我過 讓我過~!!"

哪來要得什麼高分的野心?

別再挖苦我了 plz

沒人挖苦我 我自己已經超難過的了...

 

really need some time to re-adjust and maybe even re-route my life

我不該走上這條路的...

 

我也想要過愜意的生活~~~ ( ╯-╰ )/

 

I hate this feeling...

It's like I've fallen into a well and don't know how to get out... asked for help, and the person whom I thought was going to help threw stones down on me.

Yea, go ahead and tell me that I should do what the donkey in a fable has done: step onto the stones/sand and get up and get out.

Yea right. These stones are so small that it'll take years for several people to throw more of them down to get me out of here. But right now I only got about two weeks before I come face to face with the beast of the well.

I feel really bad. : ((( and alone... : ' (

What do you do when you feel that you are in the middle of a tug-of-war and you are the thing that's being tugged on?

At times you feel that one side is stronger than the other side and so you move towards that side; yet minutes later (in human years, that's like several months later), you hear a calling from the other side and the tug from that side becomes again stronger.

You want to have all this tugging to stop so you can say, "Hey, you won. I'm here."

But the tugging continues...

 

What if it never stops?

Which way should you go?

Does one really need a reason to go a certain way?

 

My mind races everywhere when I think.

What I mean by that is that my mind doesn't really stick to just one thing when I think.

It doesn't go slowly on one path.

Instead, it races and it runs on multiple tracks.

For instance, when my mind is activated by an image or a thought about a new invention, such as a bridge made of bouncy materials, it doesn't just go "oh wow" and end there with a smile.

What it does is something quite complex, like this:

Eye sees an image of a bridge made of bouncy materials  >>> Mind goes "oh wow" >>> Mind wonders: "is this real?" "where can i find it?" "how nice would it be if it's implemented in my hometown?" "whose design was this?" "should i save this link to my online bookmarks?" "should i tell people about this?" "i wonder what other innovative designs there are" "hey maybe i should post this somewhere"....... (and all these thoughts all came so fast that they all seem to have appeared together at once)

Depending on the time I have, the thoughts can grow exponentially until I have to use full force to pull myself back into reality, the reality of my having other "more important" things to do... like studying and working. Alas.

I wonder if this is something that happens to just some people or does this happen to everyone?

 

Image of the bouncy bridge: [ http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/architecture-design-blog/2012/oct/22/trampoline-bridge-bounce-river-seine-paris ]

 

I heard a really nice song today (video embedded below) and somehow couldn't find the lyrics online after a quick search.... so, instead of waiting for someone to write it down, I went ahead and transcribed it. After all, that's what the song calls for: Why not today? YES, DEFINITELY, TODAY!

(And minutes later, I later bought the song on Amazon. Yes, it was THAT GOOD!)

ENJOY~*

 

Why Not Today

By Eric Dodge

 

I’ve been waiting

For just the right moment

To start living

Life of my dreams

I was hoping

Some magical moment would come

Rescue me

But it hit me today

There’s not better times begin

This day I’ve been given

Is my day to start living

So, I’m jumping in

 

***

Why not today

While sun is shining

Today

While I know I can

 

The past is behind me

Tomorrow can’t find me

Till I live today

 

So why not today

While my heart is ready

Today

While it’s in my grasp

 

If I start out slowly

I’m confident in knowing

I’m still on my way

 

 

So why not today

***

 

I’ve been searching

In all the wrong places

For the courage

To follow my dreams

But I finally

Discovered the power, lies inside of me

 

I could spend my life waiting

For something to show me the way

But I would be missing

The wonderful blessing of embracing today

 

*** repeat chorus ***

 

I’m ready

I’m willing

I’m able

I’m learning to fly

 

But how will

I know how

High

I can soar

If I never try

 

*** repeat chorus ***

 

Why not today x 2

 

 

seeing all the nice photos people post of themselves with their hubby and kids...

i realized...

what i am hoping for is really just this piece of small happiness that somehow i can't yet reach...

a sense of stability of being able to just live at the same place on earth with my hubby and baby....

why is it so hard...

why is it that some people get to have that piece of small happiness without having to try much...

why...

don't tell me oh u can get it "later"...

i hate the word "later"...

what "later"...

"later" is not something that comes with guarantees...

why not "now"...

why not at least "soon"...

 

i am extremely sad because of this continual delay...

 

this is getting too hard to cope...

i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon...

so much for "later"..... only the Big Guy up there knows whether there'll be a "later"......

 

stop using it as if u know the next chapter in life.

*exhale*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...sometimes... it appears that i may need to get a recorder, record the sweet messages i'd love to hear when feeling down, and put it into a robot that's been set to play those messages during those dark days....

and yet, a robot is a robot... cold, lifeless, and impersonal....

wishful thoughts, indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...越矛盾的人越需要認同
所以你微笑點頭的時候　我哭了...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...因為妳是女人 就讓我為你痛為你去犧牲
就讓我為你擦乾所有淚痕 不為了甚麼
妳是我的女人...

If only, that is the reality.

揪心 的 感覺

 

 

It has all come down to this. I can't believe it. I am losing it. After all those years. This. WTF.

Someone has messed with the wrong girl. Alienation is one thing. Stepping overboard is another. Enough is enough.

I am no longer the same, but an old part of me has surfaced from the past. No more nonesense. Something has to give, but I won't be the one to back down now.

This has to stop. I'm too calm to live in this crazy world. I think I will give craziness a try. It has all come down to this and it's time to act.

Making choices is what people do all the time

and yet there are also times when there are non-choices, times when it's not up to people to choose, stuff just happen...

Recently, a non-choice happened and a friend is forever gone from the living world...

Sadness lurks into the minds of every one of his friends...

Rest in peace, my friend...

 

I was quite surprised to see that so many friends "left him messages" on his FB...

At first I felt like why would people be doing that since he is no longer here...

But then it quickly dawned on me...

These messages probably served quite a few purposes:

(1) As the friend is gone, people are left with many questions and thoughts... and the magnitude of all that left people with the yearning for a place to place their questions and thoughts... and a place to share with others who cared their words of remembrance...

(2) While the friend would no longer see the messages, his family members and friends will.... it's like... his FB has become a healing place... people share, read, cry, sob, and, hopefully, let go......

(3) While some may argue that when one leaves this world, one leaves for good... others may argue that the soul or spirit may still come back into this world to visit... perhaps, if the latter is true, the friend may actually get to "see" all those messages......

All's too profound.

Choices may be daunting from time to time, but at least one gets to choose.

Non-choices, on the other hand, are what leave certain parts of our lives gray and mysterious.

What happened?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

No answers will ever come about, probably.

 

When such non-choices happen, I am reminded of the appreciation I should be giving whenever I get to choose.

Rest in peace, my friend. You will always be in your family's and friend's minds.

You are and will continue to be missed.

 

心情不好時 常常唸不下書  (話說 心情好時 也沒很認真唸了...)

看看別人寫的文章 看看一些介紹自己或東西的影片 踏入他人的世界中

忘了自己是誰的時候  心情好像又悄悄變好了 一點點

 

這是近幾年來 忽然間 可以做得到的自動還原

好奇怪 但有用

所以用

 

不過

我 到底是誰

我知不知道呢?

 

要怎樣的自己 才能開心當自己呢?